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- David Hawkins of The Marriage Recovery Center shares what to do when work impacts your relationship.
- If your partner is putting work before you, tell them how their actions make you feel.
- If they're bringing their work stress home, ask them when they're ready to get help or advice.
Financial problems are often listed as one of the top reasons married couples get divorced — but even those with successful or lucrative careers struggle to keep the magic alive in their relationships. That's where David Hawkins, the director of The Marriage Recovery Center, can help.
With more than 40 years of experience as a relationship counselor, Hawkins is constantly working with couples dealing with career-related issues. He shared with Insider the best ways to handle these three common situations that put a strain on relationships.
If your partner is putting work before you: Focus on how it makes you feel
When communicating to your partner about prioritizing your relationship over their job, Hawkins said to focus on how their actions make you feel.
"One of my clients complained that her husband valued his work more than their marriage because he was so intensely focused on his job," Hawkins said. "In such a situation, I tell my clients to share their feelings in a vulnerable way and make it clear what changes they want to see in order to have a closer, deeper connection with their partner."
A simple way to start this conversation, he said, might sound like this: "I've noticed that you're spending a lot of time at the office, and the past few times I've asked to have special time together, you've said you were too busy. I want to feel important to you. Would you be willing to carve out more time for us to spend together? Maybe you could even plan special dates for us? What do you think?"
If you're accused of putting work before your partner: Plan regular check-ins
If your partner expresses concerns over you putting work before them, Hawkins suggested baking small check-ins into your day.
"A phone call or text helps keep the connection going," he said. "A simple text saying, 'I'm thinking about you' can do wonders."
If your partner is bringing their work stress home: Intervene when they're ready
Seeing your partner struggle with work is never easy, and it can be tempting to not get involved for fear of upsetting them even more. Hawkins said the best approach is to ask first if they're open to hearing some feedback. Then, if they feel up for it, start with some positive feedback on how they're handling the situation before jumping into giving advice.
Hawkins also encourages his clients who are stressed at work to listen to their partners and own what needs to be corrected. Having regular conversations and letting your partner talk it out helps stop resentment from building up.
Regardless of the situation, Hawkins said, "Validating any concerns your spouse has about work is something that needs to be done consistently." But the work doesn't stop there. Once feelings and concerns have been validated, he added, compromises are the next step toward creating a more secure and loving relationship.