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- For Love & Money is a biweekly column from Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader lost his job and wants to know how to get his wife to help out financially.
- Our columnist tells him he needs to have this conversation with his wife and trust her to be smart.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
Until recently, I was an executive at a tech company, earning a great income. My wife is an artist, and while she is always pursuing one career or another, trying to maintain a sense of financial independence, she has never made much money doing it.
Then I got laid off, and now we are down to just our savings and her income. I am trying my best to find a new job, but until then, we're relying on her. And while I am spending every waking minute trying to find work, it seems like she is content making next to nothing while she continues pursuing a career we both know she'll never have.
I am frustrated and resentful. How come she gets to chase this impractical dream when, even now, between jobs, I am the one responsible for keeping the ship afloat?
I wonder if it's a gender thing. I'm a man; therefore, I must provide, and she is a woman, so what? She doesn't? I feel alone with this burden when I'd really like a partner to help me carry it.
Sincerely,
Lonely Provider
Dear Lonely Provider,
While I appreciate your question and am happy to answer it, it sounds like you are discussing this issue with the wrong person. You need to talk to your wife. Not only because she is your partner and the only other person with an equal stake in your finances but also because, as I read your letter, it became increasingly clear that you're assuming a lot of things.
And at least one of your assumptions is incorrect.
I say this because you said in your letter that your wife is "trying to maintain a sense of financial independence" and also that she is "content making next to nothing." So, which is it? Is she participating in the soul-crushing grind of trying to get her business to the point of actually paying off? Or is she casually indulging in her hobby while you write the checks?
Until you ask her and really listen to her answer, you don't get to feel resentful or frustrated, because those feelings aren't based on reality; they are based on a situation that exists almost entirely in your imagination. The assumptions you are bringing into this dynamic are particularly evident in your question: Is this a gender thing? My answer to that would be — it very well could be. Not because your wife expects a man to provide for her, but because you may be projecting that notion onto her.
I noticed in your letter that while you feel compelled to earn money, you see her contribution to your family's financial survival as voluntary. In your words. "Even now, between jobs, I am the one responsible for keeping the ship afloat."
The thing about marriage is that when you tie your fate to another person's, gender is irrelevant. Your wife is also an adult with a credit score who must eat to survive. If one of you goes hungry, so does the other. While I am sure your wife has appreciated the freedom your income has given her to pursue her dreams, your job loss has impacted her security as much as it has yours. This is why you must have a conversation with her.
There could be any number of reasons why she appears to remain focused on her dream job even as the wheels are spinning off the cart. Maybe she's spent so long chasing this dream that it's all she feels qualified to do, so she feels like the fastest way for her to earn money is to turn that dream into a real career ASAP.
Maybe she understands your financial situation differently than you, and she doesn't think either of you needs to get a new job urgently.
Or maybe she is frantically trying to find new income streams, but she no longer feels comfortable trying in front of you, because she recognizes your contempt towards her career goals. Trying anything is a vulnerable act, because to try is to face something most of us count among our greatest fears: failure. If your wife no longer feels safe failing in front of you, she won't try things in front of you — not even things like searching for a job.
That said, maybe you've assumed correctly, and your wife has become accustomed to a life where you handle the money while she keeps up a hobby that won't ever turn into real income. But you owe her the respect of asking and believing her answer. And even if she confirms your concerns, you must trust her that she is willing to participate in solving your shared financial difficulties.
But I get it; you recently lost your job and have spent a lot of time, rightly or wrongly, feeling unsupported by your wife. Having that conversation can be difficult. I recommend you schedule this conversation with your wife ahead of time.
Most of us find it easier to address these big resentments with our partners during unrelated fights rather than destroying a perfectly lovely Sunday afternoon with the dreaded we need to talk. However, I encourage you not to approach the conversation with an adversarial attitude. This doesn't have to be a fight, because it's unlikely that you disagree. Your wife is an adult who understands financial realities. You both understand that having little-to-no income is a problem. Don't go into your conversation believing you must convince her of this. Instead, see your conversation as the meeting of a crisis committee — two people on the same team facing the same threat, who will win or lose together.
Because the thing is, Lonely Provider, you aren't alone.
Rooting for you both,
For Love & Money