Graeme Hunter/HBO
- Insider's new work-advice column centers on a shy introvert who worries she might be a narcissist.
- Even if she's not one, her sensitivity and aversion to teamwork could hurt her career, say experts.
- One suggests she pay attention to how she's coming across in groups and check herself accordingly.
For most of my life, I've considered myself a quiet and shy introvert. I'm self-conscious. I suffer from anxiety and have only a few close friends. At work, I do my own thing. This is fine because I'm mostly an individual contributor, not a manager. I have solid annual reviews, and I'm known for my conscientiousness.
Here's my issue — I recently read articles here and here that have made me realize something: What I've long thought was insecurity and sensitivity might, in fact, be "covert narcissism." For example, I don't really like working with other people. It's tedious and time-consuming. And whenever I'm put on a team project, I find that I end up doing most of the work and then share the credit. I bristle at criticism from my boss. I feel embarrassed when I'm not perceived to be doing well.
I always thought that because I wasn't aggressive or self-aggrandizing, I couldn't possibly be a narcissist. I was wrong. I don't want this personality trait to limit my career. What should I do to stop taking things too personally? And how can I force myself to get better at working with other people?
My dear reader, I have good news: You're neither an overt narcissist nor a covert one.
Narcissists, whether they're hyper-aggressive and super-loud, or hypersensitive and super-anxious, are users, takers, and manipulators — clinical and personality psychologists say. They're entitled, seductive people desperate for admiration: their self-obsession relentless, their self-awareness negligible.
Put simply, they're not the sort who readily recognize their psychological defects by reading a news article; they tend to not really see other people as full people with interior lives. To be clear, I'm not a professional shrink — and I'm not above getting carried away by the gospel of online personality quizzes (ahem!), but based on what you describe, you don't fit the bill of a narcissist.
But it does appear that your sensitivity, aversion to teamwork, and difficulty receiving feedback could be hindering your career. What can be done about it?
A little self-acceptance is a fine place to start. You're an introvert or, perhaps, a highly sensitive person, depending on the theory you subscribe to. That's OK. Better than OK, in fact. Being an introvert or sensitive doesn't mean that you can't work with others; it means you find collaboration draining.
Introverts are more energized by ideas than by interacting with people. So reframe your mindset: Consider teamwork a chance to be exposed to new perspectives and ways of thinking. Small talk and tedium are often part of the package, so make sure to schedule regular breaks and opportunities to recharge when you're immersed in a group project.
People can flex against their natural dispositions to do things that are important to them, but they need to restore themselves afterward. After an hourlong Zoom call, set aside some solo quiet time.
Next, channel some of conscientiousness in your interpersonal relationships. Pay close attention to how you're coming across in group settings and check yourself accordingly, Margarita Mayo, a professor of leadership at IE Business School, advised. "How much do you listen to other people? How much do you care about them? And how do you make them feel?" Mayo said.
The answers to these questions may not be obvious. People are not the best at self-assessment. (This explains why roughly three-quarters of Americans consider themselves better-than-average drivers.) For clues, look at external signals, Mayo said. For example: Do colleagues engage you in conversation? Do they seek your help? And how much do others seem to want to work with you?
Adjust your approach to feedback, too. While it's no fun to feel like you're being criticized, you need to "separate the what from the who," said Bobbi Thomason, a professor of applied behavioral science at Pepperdine Graziadio Business School. "As opposed to thinking, 'My boss is being a jerk,' ask yourself: Is there value in their message?"
Feedback isn't a binding sentence, she added. "Consider it something to experiment with," she said. "You might not like your manager's solution, but they may have identified a problem that you hadn't thought of. That, in and of itself, can be helpful."
One final thought: The root of your problem may not be you or your personality; it may be the culture of your organization. In other words, your colleagues might be social loafers — content to skate by while you do the lion's share of the work. And your boss could indeed be a jerk whose feedback is neither kind nor constructive. Maybe it's time to look for a new job.
This story originally published on February 15, 2021.