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- For Love & Money is a biweekly column from Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader's husband doesn't think the cost of a gym membership is a good use of money.
- Our columnist gives a path the couple can take toward meeting both of their priorities.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
My husband is really controlling with money. He sees anything I spend outside of the bare essentials as frivolous. We aren't wealthy, and we do have a lot of credit card debt, but we have a decent income, and we should be able to afford some extras. The main extra we are fighting about right now is a gym membership. I am "allowed" my $10 a month membership to a cheap fitness club, but I would really like us both to go to one of the nice ones with a smoothie bar, sauna, and a pool. In a perfect world, I would also have a personal trainer.
I see it as an investment in our health, which is the most important thing. My husband doesn't want a membership at all, and if I'm being honest, it shows. I get that our finances are important to him, and our credit card debt stresses him out, but I care about both of us looking and feeling our best. He is out of shape and always complaining about aches and pains. How do I get him to understand the importance of putting our health first?
Sincerely,
Gym Rat
Dear Gym Rat,
Couples who share a life also share financial responsibilities. Even couples who divide their bills equally and don't use a joint bank account are investing their time and money into the same life. This shared responsibility often means shared debt, shared costs, shared sacrifice, and shared indulgences. But what shared finances don't necessitate are shared financial priorities — even if it might be easier when they align. I say this because the root of your dilemma is a stark difference in priorities.
You say your husband is controlling with finances, but later in your letter, you ask me how to get him to put both of your health needs first. And I wonder: Is he controlling? Or does he simply prioritize financial fitness while you prioritize physical fitness?
What I find interesting about your difference in priorities is that, taken separately, both of your financial priorities would usually serve as trump cards. There is a mindset around health that you espoused in your letter yourself when you say that health "is the most important thing." But people hold the same mentality around financial health — after all, If you don't have money, you can't afford security of any kind. And what's more important than that?
I think you are both right. Both physical health and financial health are worthy priorities. If you can't get around due to aches and pains, what is the point of having money? If you spend all your money on expensive gyms, luxury meal plans, and personal trainers, then how do you plan to pay for all of those years you've tacked onto your life?
In situations like yours, where two people hold different but equally important money values, the solution isn't for one of you to persuade the other into your way of thinking. It's to find a solution that asks each of you to sacrifice a little so that both of you can prioritize your values.
But compromise is difficult, because it requires us to analyze our motivations with brutal honesty. In your case, that might mean asking yourself if a membership to a luxe gym is actually necessary for your health, or if it's just something that sounds really nice. For his part, your husband may need to ask himself if his aversion to spending money on his physical fitness is really about saving a buck or if he's actually disinterested in being physically active.
Being honest with ourselves about why we have our priorities isn't only an exercise in self-denial, however. Your husband doesn't have to go to the gym if he doesn't want to. And you don't have to stay at a budget gym if your desire for saunas and smoothies is solely self-indulgent. But an honest analysis is the first step towards the hard business of differentiating between our wants and our needs and ultimately coming to a mutually acceptable compromise.
Beyond analyzing your own priorities, however, you will also need to stop analyzing your husband's. He isn't wrong. Financial fitness is important, and if he is stressed out by credit card debt, helping him eliminate it isn't something you ought to be arguing anymore than he ought to be calling your desire to get in shape "frivolous." You both need to respect each other's priorities. Remember, our priorities are based on our ingrained values, and I can't think of anything more futile than trying to reason someone out of theirs.
But the good news is that you don't have to change one another's mind. Because ultimately, you both want the same thing. He wants to stress less about money, and you want to pursue physical health in a way that is going to require some expendable income. The best way for both of you two get your way is for you to get rid of your credit card debt.
Reaching a compromise will mean making a plan together for paying it off, and in the meantime, you should probably continue working out at the affordable gym you've been going to. Your husband's part of this compromise will mean making the commitment now to celebrate your last credit card payment by purchasing a gym membership for you at a nicer gym. And if he is feeling so inspired, he may even join you.
You asked me how to get him to understand the importance of putting health first, and I'm afraid I didn't give you the answer you wanted. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that while health and finances rank high on the list of important considerations in life, in a marriage, at the very top sits you and your spouse's relationship. Because when you share a life, you share outcomes. You share happiness. And that's something you both want.
Rooting for you both,
For Love & Money