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- Feeling excluded is a common problem in the workplace and rejection hurts.
- While you shouldn't assume the exclusion is intentional, a little self-reflection is necessary.
- Ask yourself: Have I done what I can to be an engaged and empathetic leader?
I manage a team that relies heavily on message and call apps to communicate. We have an official group chat that I mostly use to make announcements. But I recently learned that my team has another group chat that I'm not a part of. One of my team members let it slip during a weekly meeting.
I realize I'm not always the easiest person to get along with — I tend to be brutally honest, which can make people uncomfortable. But I feel left out, and I can't shake the idea that they're talking about me. I am happy my team gets along, and, hey, who doesn't complain about their boss from time to time? But how can I let them know that if they have a problem, they can talk to me? And also that I wouldn't mind being invited for beers after work every once in a while?
Feeling excluded is a common problem in the workplace. Social rejection hurts. It's like middle school all over again.
But my goodness — jump to conclusions much? This is a group chat, not the Met Gala.
It's reasonable for colleagues to want and need to talk to one another. Maybe this channel allows them to communicate more quickly without involving you. Perhaps it's a way for them to build camaraderie. Maybe they use it to post memes or cute pictures of their pets. Even if they gripe about you every so often, it's unlikely that they're planning a coup.
Reading between the lines, it appears you want to say something to your team members about this channel. Please don't. Bringing up the subject or trying to find out what they're saying comes across as distrustful and insecure. Not a good look.
This was the long way of saying chill out.
And yet, other details in your letter suggest you might have good reason to believe your colleagues find you intimidating or difficult. A little self-reflection is necessary, says Nancy Halpern, a New York leadership-development consultant.
"You need to ask yourself, 'How are my relationships with the team individually and collectively? Have I carved out time to secure and deepen my connections? And have I done everything I can to be an engaged and empathetic leader?'"
Own your shortcomings. Melody Wilding, the career coach and author of "Trust Yourself: Stop Overthinking, Master Your Emotions, and Channel Your Ambition for Success," suggests meeting with your team members one on one and asking for feedback.
She recommends saying something along the lines of "I realize I might be coming across sometimes as too blunt, and that could lead you to feel like you can't come to me with certain things. What can I do differently that would help you feel more comfortable speaking up?"
Instead of directing your energy toward trying to make the team like you, Wilding suggests channeling your efforts toward building other relationships in your organization. "These might include people in other divisions or units, skip-level relationships with folks like your boss's boss, or other people who can be advocates for you, open doors, give advice, and support you," she said.
It also sounds as though you're seeking approval and validation from your team members. You can't force them to want to socialize with you. Appreciate the lopsided power dynamic. Respect your team members' boundaries; understand that a big part of your job entails creating a psychologically safe space for them to have relationships with one another that sometimes don't include you.
Remember, too, you're their boss, not their friend. There is a difference between your team liking you and respecting you.
One last word: Don't wait for an invitation for postwork drinks. As the leader, you should take your team out for beers on occasion to thank them for their hard work. And, frankly, you should be paying, too.
This story originally published on May 5, 2021.