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- For Love & Money is a biweekly column from Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader doesn't want to go to college and wonders if that's a reasonable idea.
- Our columnist says it's okay for them to take time to figure out what they want — whatever that is.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
I graduate from high school this spring. I plan to take a year off before college to travel, doing odd jobs along the way. When I tell the adults in my life about this plan, they always roll their eyes and say if I take a year off, I'll never make it to college.
But here's my big secret: I'm not sure if I want to go to college. I don't know what I want to be, and I don't want to waste money trying to find out. I want to live and experience things without taking on hundreds of thousands of student debt. I keep this a secret because I know everyone will think I'm being unrealistic, but I don't think I need a degree to have financial stability.
Am I being unreasonable, or is there a life outside of a college degree?
Sincerely,
Undecided Graduate
Dear Graduate,
Of course, there's life outside of a college degree! There are apprenticeships, skilled and unskilled labor jobs, and careers in the arts. In fact, I have three kids who my husband often advises not to go to college. I don't go that far myself, but I hope they know there are paths beyond the public school to corporate office pipeline.
What my husband and I want our children to understand, above all, is that they have options. And rather than seeing the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" as an invitation to a life sentence, they'll see it as an exercise for their imaginations.
See Insider's picks for the best private student loans »
I have a bachelor's degree in English. You know, that degree that may only be trumped by philosophy and women's studies as the what-a-thing-to-waste-your-time-and-money-on major. My English degree because it hasn't helped me find a six-figure job, but I don't regret it. I regret that it wasn't archaeology, interior design, or journalism, all fields that I thought sounded too hard, too sophisticated, or simply too exotic back when I decided what I wanted to do with my life. Now that I'm an adult, I realize they were only ever as unfeasible as I believed them to be.
So, no. I don't think your plan to take your time choosing a career path is unreasonable. I think it's wise. I'm so confident in this assertion that I don't think you should keep your ambivalence about going to college a "big secret."
Reading your letter, it seems like the adults in your life are the reason you're keeping your potentially unpopular plan to yourself. And I get it. Adults often feel they need to save the next generation from making any mistakes, and it can be crushing.
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But as a mother, allow me to offer some insight on why we tend to apply this pressure. Simply put, we just want you to be happy. So happy. Happy to the point where you've never experienced even an iota of failure, rejection, or pain. And since we tend to correlate happiness with financial success and career satisfaction, the adults in your life are determined you shall have those things — whether you want them or not.
There also may be a large part of them that wants to show off your glowing success to their friends because it reflects well on their own success, but even that hinges on your happiness. If you've raised a child into a happy adult, that's something to be proud of. It tells the world that despite their judgments and concerns, you knew what you were doing all along, and they should be so lucky to have a kid like yours.
Zero pain, zero failure, and a living testament to someone else's triumph — do any of those things seem reasonable or necessary to your goals in life? No. So respect the adults in your life enough to have an honest conversation with them about your plans, love them enough to take their unsolicited and unwelcome criticisms and concerns with patience and understanding, and then live your life the way you feel is best.
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Wisdom often comes with age, and there are many things the adults in your life know more about than you, but your life is yours alone. And chances are, they earned their wisdom through trial and error, heartbreak and triumph, making mistakes and trying again. Now it's your turn.
Meanwhile, don't hide your story from the adults who love you because if you don't have an honest conversation with them now, you'll have to have it with them later, and I doubt it will become any less difficult in the meantime. They can handle it, and while it may be miserable, I'm sure you can handle it when they inevitably wig out about it too.
If you think you aren't ready to choose what you want to do with the rest of your life as you're preparing to start adulthood, you should trust that instinct (and trust me, your peers are probably just as unsure). This is why if you only take one thing from my reply to your letter, I hope it's this: You don't have to figure anything out today. All you have to do is stay moving, stay excited, and keep your imagination open.
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Your travels may reveal that your life's great passion is sustainability and caring for the planet. You could go to technical school for a year and learn how to install solar panels, or maybe you'll realize you have a talent for teaching, and you will go to college and get a degree after all, or perhaps you'll catch the travel bug and find yourself moving from one place to the next working short term gigs as a groundskeeper for years. There are so many options. Think big, stay curious, and congratulations! You're going to do great things. I'm sure of it.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money