17 red flags to look out for on a first date that could indicate someone is wrong for you — or even toxic

Erika Ettin, founder of dating site A Little Nudge, said one immediate red flag is if your date is late without informing you. Everyone gets caught up sometimes, and it's fine to be late if you notify the person what's happened. But turning up half an hour past the meeting time without saying anything may be a sign of disrespect.

"He or she needs to value your time," Ettin said. And presuming you're fine waiting around for them without knowing where they are is quite insulting.

This isn't necessarily enough to write the person off. Their phone may have run out of battery, or they could have been on a train with no signal. But it is something to be aware of, because you don't want it to become a habit.

Ettin said it's not a great sign if your date talks the whole time. "While this may be nerves, it may also be a sign of a bit of an ego," she said.

Also, it's not unheard of for someone to actually order for you without asking what you want. While this may simply be a sign of a self-absorbed idiot, it could also be a warning sign that they have some controlling tendencies.

Be careful, because overly repressive behaviour early on could be their way of testing your boundaries. In the long run, this could be an indicator of coercive control.

Robyn Exton, founder and CEO of dating app HER, told Insider you should be aware of where your date wants to meet up, because this can be very revealing. If they want you to come to their house, for example, or somewhere you've never heard of, that could be a red flag. 

"Location says a lot and it's important you feel safe there," Exton said. "I am a huge fan of a FaceTime or call before meeting — it makes the date less nervy for me as well and helps get a read on how someone responds to requests."

Your gut feeling is important in these situations, Exton added, and "if it feels unsafe or fishy, it probably is."

"Let a friend know you are going on a date and where you will be," she said.

If you find you are trying to hard to "win" your date's affection and attention, this is also a warning sign, Exton said.

"This can happen if someone has been bread-crumbing you and making you fight for their attention," she said, referring to a manipulative tactic where someone gives their date just enough morsels of attention to keep stringing them along.

"If you're finding yourself doing whatever it takes just to get a bit of their affection, check yourself," Exton said. "Are you really paying attention to how they make you feel and what they are showing you about themselves?"

If your date is always on his or her phone, actively checking it throughout the date, or is constantly looking around to see what else (or who else) is out there, they aren't really present, Ettin said.

Of course, they might be waiting on an important call from a relative or a job. But if they don't explain this to you, leaving you to come to your own conclusions, that isn't a particularly good sign.

"Your date is rude, to a server or to anyone for that matter," Ettin said. "If this is the first impression, imagine what life would be like."

In other words, if your date is willing to be rude to the person who is just doing their job, there's no reason they wouldn't turn that around on you. After all, people are generally their best selves on a first date because they're trying to give a good impression. And as first impressions go, rudeness isn't ideal.

Gabriela Reyes, a dating expert at dating app Chispa, said you should pay attention to how your date treats everyone, not just you.

"While they're putting their best foot forward with you and trying to impress you, it says a lot about a person if they're treating others poorly," she told Insider. "You being on the receiving end of that treatment at some point is likely."

A little romance goes a long way, and everyone likes to feel special. But if someone is going overboard the first time they meet you, it could be something more sinister than them just being really into you.

If your date is showering you with affection, gifts, and compliments to an excessive degree, they may be trying to manipulate you into thinking you've found "the one," with a tactic known as "love bombing."

Trotter said the tell-tale sign of love bombing is your date being "overly expressive in how they feel about you too early on.

"This can show up as love bombing which can feel good and ego-gratifying but is disingenuous and toxic over time," she said.

Essentially, the victim falls into a false sense of security, which allows the abuser to start taking advantage of them in the future when their mask starts to slip.

Sometimes love bombing will only become apparent after a few weeks, but incredibly manipulative people may try and overwhelm you right away on the first date.

Katie Hood, the CEO of One Love Foundation, told Insider the first date is often like a dream or a scene from a movie, because your date is so charming and complimentary of you, telling you you're such a special person and they are so glad to be with you.

"It's actually right at this phase that you need to pay the most attention to balance in your relationship and also how you're truly feeling in your gut about how things are going," she said.

"If the pace feels too fast, it's important to pay attention. Quick 'I love you's' or moves to exclusivity before you really know each other may indicate you're with a person who wants to label you as 'his' or 'hers,' a hallmark of a controlling personality."

Trotter said it's a warning sign if your date doesn't respect your boundaries, which can manifest in several different ways.

"They might overshare about their life. They might ask you too many personal questions. They may get too touchy or sexual early on. They may be pushy about ordering more drinks or staying later than you want," she said. "Any one of these behaviors is a boundary issue and a significant red flag."

Reyes agreed this is a massive warning sign.

"If you make it clear to this person that you don't want to be touched, that you don't want that next drink or that you'd like to head home and they don't respect this?" she told Insider. "Huge red flag."

Reyes said that arguably the most important red flag can be found in how you feel.

"Take a bathroom break and check in with yourself," she said. "If you get a bad 'gut feeling' or despite being able to explain it, you feel uneasy about this person, escape the situation as soon as possible. In the mental-health field, we like to say the gut is a second brain. Trust it."

You should also not dismiss your date's behavior as "first date nerves" if they get blind drunk, use substances, or do anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable. While it may be true that they were just nervous, the other possibility that they have a drinking or drug problem is also very real.

"Again, red flag means keep an eye out," Reyes said.

It's fine to talk about ex-partners in a relationship. You've both broken up with everyone you've ever been with, so it would be weird if you never mentioned anything you ever did before you met each other.

One psychologist actually thinks its a good idea to talk about previous relationships on a first date. But like with everything, there is a limit.

If your partner is obsessively bringing up their ex-partner(s), it could be a sign they are not over them, or that they are bitter about the past. It's especially important to take notice if they are being very critical about their exes.

"When people describe all of their exes as terrible people and put all the blame on them for the relationship's failure, this is a red flag for me," said Elinor Greenberg, a psychologist and author of "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety."

"It practically shouts: 'I cannot take any responsibility for whatever went wrong. I have not learned anything from these relationships. It is totally up to you to make our relationship work.'"

According to Hood, another warning sign someone is toxic is when friendly banter has an edge to it that sometimes feels hurtful or mean.

A bit of teasing is a good way to form connections, because it shows you're comfortable enough together to make fun of each other. But if the balance tips and you find yourself being offended or taken aback by what they said, don't be afraid to call them out on it. And don't let them dismiss you for being "too sensitive."

"Learning to call your partner out in a low-key way, [like saying] 'That's not love!' and paying attention if this happens all the time is critical to understanding whether you're starting to veer into emotional abuse," Hood said.

Hood said another important warning signal is someone who seems to be very jealous.

"If you're on a date and your phone goes off, does your date ask you who is trying to reach you? Do they ask you a lot of questions about previous partners?" she said.

"While some questions like these are normal, and a part of getting to know each other, if they feel intense and excessive that may be a sign of trouble to come."

Meeting people with varying opinions is just one part of what makes life interesting. However, some people really struggle to empathize with any opinion that isn't their own.

It's important that even at the beginning, you are comfortable being yourself and expressing your opinions. You don't have to delve deep into the politics, but if your date is clearly uncomfortable with something you believe in, that's a red flag.

Therapist Kurt Smith told HuffPost it is probably a bad thing if your date is afraid of confrontation or differences and shies away from heavier topics.

"You don't want a people pleaser, placater, or someone who lacks a backbone as a partner," he said.

"On the flip side, you don't want someone who is argumentative or has to make their point just to make their point. Basically, how confrontation is handled can be very revealing on a first date and give you good information about the future."

Everyone likes to laugh, and when you find someone with a similar sense of humour to you, that's a really good sign.

But some people use jokes as a defence mechanism. If your date is constantly laughing and joking, even when you're trying to be serious, it could indicate they have a fear of intimacy.

Of course, they may simply be nervous, and joking is a good way to break the ice. But if you feel they are dismissing their own feelings, as well as yours, it could be an indicator they are using humour to keep you at a safe distance.

Some time in the future, you may find they have an avoidant attachment style. This means they focus on all your faults until they find any reason to run away from you.

The world of dating terms is growing ever more convoluted, but ghosting is the one most people can relate to.

Ultimately, ghosting someone — disappearing without so much as a text message — shows a complete lack of respect. It's what cowards do when they can't handle conflict.

So if you're on a first date, and the person sitting opposite you is telling you how they've ghosted people before (they may even brag about it) that's a sign they probably won't have much courtesy for you either.

According to Ettin, ghosting is the absolute worst thing you can do to someone you are no longer interested in. So if someone is willing to do it at all, it's a big old red flag.

Therapist Jeannie Ingram told HuffPost that your date should show a balance of curiosity and interest in you as a person — which means they have to listen to you.

"If they're dismissive of you — or seem bored by what you have to say — it's a red flag," she said. "If the relationship launches and you're together for a period of time, you want someone who, in a time of inevitable conflict, can listen to you with respect, kindness and curiosity. Bottom line: You want someone you can trust to treat you well on the first date and the rest of your life."

According to councilor Suzanne Degges-White in a blog post for Psychology Today, even taking you to their favorite sports bar could be an early warning sign — especially if they spend more time watching the TV instead of listening to what you're saying.

"If you don't warrant his full attention on the first date, chances are that he's made his priorities clear," she said. "If you are as engrossed in the game as he is, this might be a good thing. If he leaves you feeling like you're already on the losing team, you might need to decide if you want to go into overtime or just admit defeat and cut your losses."

This story was first published in May 2018 and was updated in July 2023 to include more experts and information.