Nancy Rothstein
- Matt Abrahams is a lecturer at Stanford's Graduate School of Business and author.
- He says that your goal at parties or dinners is to be interested, not interesting.
- Abrahams recommends thinking about who you're speaking to and in what context before sharing.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Matt Abrahams, Stanford lecturer, communications consultant, author, and podcast host. It has been edited for length and clarity.
The most common mistake across all communication is people don't consider who they're talking to or the context in which they're speaking.
I'm a lecturer at Stanford's Graduate School of Business, where I teach strategic communication.
The end of the year and holiday time tend to be very stressful for people in the work setting and at home. There's a whole slew of traditions and things that people feel obligated and excited about. Sometimes, expectations might be set that are not appropriate or realistic at the moment — which can lead to disappointment or miscommunication.
Here are some communications tips to get through a work party or family dinner.
1. The goal is to be interested, not interesting
That's a mantra from Rachel Greenwald, my colleague who is a professional matchmaker and dating coach. Many of us go into these work environments or social events and want to be amazingly interesting. We want people to find what we say really engaging, and that puts a lot of pressure on ourselves.
Whereas really you want to be curious, you want to be interested, you want to demonstrate that you're present and paying attention. So, asking questions, highlighting things that are common in the environment, and getting others' opinions or their shared experience. Those skills are the skills that breed liking and trust.
The analogy I like to use is a hacky sack. In hacky sack, your whole goal is just to keep the ball up. Try phrases like "tell me more" or talk about something that's happening in the room or in the space.
2. Wave the 'white flag' before leaving a conversation
In auto racing, they wave the white flag before the last lap of the race. In a conversation, what I do is signal, "Hey, I want to talk to those people over there, but before I leave, I have one more question, or before I leave, I'd love for you to tell me a little bit more about this."
You signal you're going to leave, then you engage in one more conversation point or question. Then, when that's done, you say, "Hey, thank you. That was great. I'm going to talk to my friends."
What this does is it helps prepare everybody. It signals you're going one way; the other person's going to go the other. A lot of people use, "I'm going to go to the bathroom." And then now you're stuck going to the bathroom with the person.
3. Consider who you're talking to and when
People just want to get information out. We tend to focus on what we want to say rather than what needs to be said at the moment. Often, people don't consider who they're talking to or the context they're in.
My advice is to think and reflect before speaking. If I'm at work and I'm pitching and proposing something, I think about what's the best way to frame it; what's the best time to deliver the message? But when I'm sitting around the dinner table, it's as if I turn that part of my brain off. We have to ask ourselves a couple of fundamental questions before we share at the party or dinner table
How much does the person know about the topic that I'm about to discuss?
What are the likely attitudes these people are going to have? Are they likely to be in support of what I'm saying? Are they going to be hesitant or resistant?
Is this the appropriate time to bring this up? Do I have enough time to have this conversation? Is everybody tired?
4. Listening and reflecting back doesn't mean you agree
Paraphrasing is the most important interpersonal communication skill. Having an open mind, being present, and being willing to listen are also important in these circumstances. Listening and reflecting back on what you hear doesn't mean you agree.
A lot of times, the holidays bring people together that don't often hang together. People have different opinions and experiences in our current times and that can bring up conflict.
I think the number one thing for managing conflict is listening and appreciating somebody's point of view without agreeing. And you do that through listening, through paraphrasing to confirm that you understand and ask questions, and then you decide if you want to engage or not.
5. Share an experience
If we're in the midst of a conversation about a potential political issue, let's say we're talking about unions and unionization. You might have one position, and I have another.
I might tell you about a time when I was part of a union as a teacher, and the experience that I had. Not to persuade you that you're wrong necessarily, but to communicate that I understand the issues on both sides by sharing my experience.
Try questioning, paraphrasing, and sharing a story that demonstrates your understanding of the topic. Before telling your story, ask what's the main motivation in telling this story and what's most relevant to the person you're talking to. If you ask yourself those two questions, your communication tends to be more focused and concise.