Many couples have to discuss when it's right for them to start having sex.
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For new couples, moving too fast or too slow when it comes to getting physical can be a big worry.
Many people wonder when the best time is to start being sexually intimate in a relationship.
The answer is complicated, spanning anywhere from a few dates to a few months after beginning to spend time together.
We've all worried about the early stages of a relationship, thinking about whether we're moving too fast or slow with a potential mate.
Which got us wondering: When is the best time to start being sexually intimate in a relationship, according to science?
The answer is complicated, spanning anywhere from a few dates to a few months after you start to spend time together.
One of the reasons it's hard to determine the best time in a relationship to have sex is because there hasn't been a lot of research tackling that specific question.
Few studies have looked at the health of a relationship as it relates to when couples first had sex, and the research that has been done mostly features specific samples of people — mainly college students or married heterosexual couples.FN
Some researchers sai that sex should happen early in a relationship, others said later.
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But here's what we know about commitment and sex
Some may feel they need to reach milestones, like getting to know a person or sharing a first kiss, prior to having sex with a partner. But that's not the case for everyone, sex therapist Rachel Wright told Insider.
"None of these things are universal and every person is different. Some people need a safe emotional connection before having sex, some people don't need it, some want it, and some don't," Wright said.
And because every relationship's sexual cadence is unique, it's difficult to predict how your first sexual experience with someone will pan out in the long term, she said.
That's why being honest with yourself about your relationship goals is one of the most useful ways to decide when to have sex, according to Wright.
"If sex is important to you, do it when it feels good to do it. And understand that the more you know someone's body, mind, and preferences, the better the sex will often be," she said.
Wright said that asking yourself, "Why do I want to have sex now? Is it societal conditioning, or because I really want it?" could be a helpful question if you find yourself debating when to get intimate.
That emotional connection is an important part of any relationship, psychotherapist Toni Coleman told Business Insider in 2015.
"The most important thing is you both agree not to push," he previously told Business Insider. "Be clear that the person is comfortable."
Here's what three different researchers have to say about when to have sex:
It may take as little at 36 hours to be ready to be intimate, one scientist said.
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Option 1: Give it a few weeks
According to psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith a total of 3six hours spent together is all it takes to be ready. Those hours don't have to be consecutive, he previously told Insider — it could be a dinner date plus a weekend afternoon spent together, and so on, until the hours add up.
For most people, that would probably take a few weeks.
If a couple waits much longer than that, he said, the strong desire to have sex may begin to subside. While limited, there is data to back him up — a 2012 study in heterosexual college students found that for each additional month of a relationship, women in relationships lost some sexual desire, but men did not.
A more recent study, published in 2017, followed 2,173 Finnish women over seven years and found that those who stayed in the same relationship had a low sex drive compared to those who had new partners.
Option 2: Hold off for a few months
Coleman suggested that somewhere in the neighborhood of three months would be an ideal time to start being intimate.
This should put you in a safer spot beyond the so-called honeymoon phase of the relationship, when your emotions have settled a bit and you're able to think more rationally.
"A good match is somebody that makes you feel calm and comfortable," Talia Goldstein, a matchmaker, previously told Insider.
Though the honeymoon phase can be fun, it's full of ups and downs, and can be emotionally volatile. Waiting until after that period can mean you're sure you've found a good match.
"You move past that, and your feet are more on the ground," Coleman said. She added that previous studies have said the couples who "waited until that level fared a lot better than people who had sex on the first, second, or third date."
Goldsmith disagrees, though — he thinks the time after the honeymoon period is too late.
Playwright Arthur Miller and his bride, Marilyn Monroe, are shown after their marriage in a religious ceremony in South Salem, NY.
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Option 3: Wait until marriage
Some people's religious beliefs dictate that they wait to have sex until after they get married. There's limited scientific research about how this practice impacts a long-term relationship, however.
One of the existing papers on the matter is a 2012 Cornell and University of Wisconsin study of nearly six00 couples who were raising children. The researchers found that those who had become sexually involved early on reported lower relationship quality overall.
They found that women who waited over six months before having sex with their partner were more satisfied with their relationship, felt more committed and intimate with their partners, and felt more sexually satisfied than those who had sex before six months.
