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- I make a good living as a freelance writer, but I still have debt and financial anxiety.
- There are some emotional reasons behind my financial habits and I recently sought help for both.
- Now, through therapy-informed financial counseling, I'm changing my patterns and getting on track.
Last year, I made $250,000 before taxes as a self-employed writer, yet I'm still in debt. While I could justify my financial situation easily — living in an expensive city like New York makes my $250,000 pre-tax income feel like about $90,000 after taxes — I also realized this spring that I have underlying emotional reasons that keep me stuck in negative financial patterns, and I'm ready to change them.
My debt is a hangover from my childhood trust issues. It's my biggest barrier to intimacy and keeps me stuck in a Peter Pan-like cycle of never being ready for the life I want. So, this spring, I made a big adult move: I hired my first financial planner, a couples-focused money counselor and licensed therapist named Ed Coambs, who writes and speaks about the connection between money and emotional intimacy.
So why did a couples-focused financial planner agree to meet with me — a single, childless, 33-year-old with debt and trust issues? He said that working with me still counts as working with a couple because clearing my money shame will help me become more emotionally available to an equally stable partner.
And, like all good therapy, my journey started with getting honest.
What financial intimacy feels like — and why it's so scary
Before we ever talked about his fees or services, Coambs offered me two free one-hour Zoom sessions to discuss the process of working one-on-one with a financial planner. Unpracticed in sharing details about my finances with someone, I was nervous.
He asked me about my financial goals and habits, along with a few questions meant to uncover my deeper financial beliefs. He inquired about the positive lessons I picked up from my family of origin, along with any limiting notions or knowledge gaps.
During our conversation, I felt wary and doubtful, a reaction I'd also experienced before while dating. As someone working through abandonment and trust issues, I often scrutinize my dates, searching for reasons to reject them preemptively. But what if there was another approach — in both dating and other contexts?
Rather than let my fears rule the show, I made a list of questions for Coambs and interviewed five other planners to compare my options. Unlike the child who felt abandoned, I realized I now had adult tools to advocate for myself. Coambs respected my questions, answered them thoughtfully, and emphasized that the choice ultimately lay with me. As I signed off Zoom that day, I realized I would only see progress with a financial planner if I showed up with courage and sincerity.
Working with a fee-only financial planner
I ended up hiring Coambs. He is a fee-only fiduciary, meaning he doesn't profit from any investments he recommends, but instead charges a straightforward flat rate for our work together. (A tip for anyone hiring their first financial planner: A fee-only structure is meant to avoid conflicts of interest.)
When I hired him in July 2023, Coambs' rate was on a sliding scale based on a client's income and financial standing. It started at $5,000 a year plus 1% of the client's overall net worth. My payment, Coambs informed me, could be broken into monthly, quarterly, or annual installments. I chose the quarterly option.
Thinking ahead and designing your life
Though $5,000 may seem like a steep fee for someone new to financial planning, it is significantly less than the price I've already paid for trying to manage my money alone for the past two years as a sole proprietor without support. In my first two years of self-employment, I've missed out on opportunities for tax savings while paying interest on debt that I've tried repeatedly to pay off.
As Coambs reminded me, now that I am capable of making $250,000 a year (or more!), I could make $1 million in revenue over the next four years. The opportunity cost of not properly planning what to do with a million dollars is steep. In four years, I don't want to still be living in my small studio apartment, paying off debt, and feeling confused about how much I owe in taxes; I want to have a healthy savings account, a growing retirement fund, and a home where I feel excited to start a family.
How to forgive yourself for past — or current — financial mistakes
Despite my new enthusiasm, there was one step I was dreading: After our preliminary meetings, I would have to link my accounts to Coambs' financial-planning software. I was embarrassed. He would soon see all my account balances, including my debt.
I'm still paying off five figures in student loans I took out between 2015 to 2017. I also racked up some credit-card and personal-loan debt when I quit my job to freelance full time in 2021. Though I surpassed my revenue expectations in my first two years of self-employment, I also spent money on what felt like failed experiments: signing up for an expensive mastermind program that didn't actually help me, impulse purchasing logos on Fiverr, paying a website designer and copywriter for an idea before testing the proof-of-concept, hiring an assistant for two months without a plan for making back my return on investment — you get the idea.
A lot of trial and error is involved with running your own business. Sensing my embarrassment, Coambs asked me to describe my feelings. I said I felt ashamed that I — a financial journalist — could have spent years reporting on money-related topics without applying that knowledge to my personal situation and becoming debt-free.
He reminded me how normal it is for human beings to learn concepts intellectually before actually practicing them in their life and acknowledged my integrity for seeking support to improve my situation. He also introduced the human-capital theory to me, which is an economic theory that validates the choice to use debt to pay for experiences that help us grow. Given that much of my debt comes from education and funding my business, this shifted my perspective and helped me release some of my shame.
Covering my financial-planning basics
Once Coambs and I began to clear my lingering money shame, we focused on financial-planning basics. Though we're still early in our work together, we've outlined a plan with a few key focus areas:
Understanding my 'financial attachment' style
I have an anxious attachment style in personal relationships, and I'll admit my money-management style is also fraught with anxiety. According to Coambs, those with an anxious attachment style may have trouble saving money or even accrue debt because of impulsive decisions made from an underlying fear that money will "abandon" us or run out.
In a traditional financial-planning session, I'd probably internalize all of my anxiety and focus only on the numbers. But in sessions with a licensed therapist and certified financial planner like Coambs, clients are encouraged to talk through their feelings. It's easier to make intentional decisions once we neutralize the doom-and-gloom scenarios living rent-free in our minds.
Tax planning as a self-employed freelancer
As a self-employed freelancer, one of my first priorities is going to be setting up my business in tax-incentivized ways, saving for taxes every month, and paying them in quarterly installments.
Saving for retirement
With the days of an employer matching my 401(k) behind me, retirement planning is also going to be one of my top financial-planning priorities in 2024. After talking with a fellow self-employed creator, I realized I was paying almost double in taxes as an individual than what I would have if I'd filed for S-corporation status, which is something I'm bringing to my work with Coambs to plan better for 2024.
Diversifying revenue streams
Though I don't know exactly what my future holds, I know I'd like the ability to scale back my working hours in the next few years when I'm ready to become a parent. I will need to set up some income streams that are less tied to my productivity, whether they be real estate, digital products, or investment vehicles. Coambs and I have not begun to discuss the specifics, but this is definitely on my to-do list.
Becoming more financially transparent — and more emotionally available
Working with a therapy-informed financial planner is good practice for letting another human being into my emotional and financial worlds.
Having a financial plan is also a huge confidence boost when dating. I feel less embarrassed about my past, more sure-footed about my future, and certain of the value (financial and otherwise) I will bring to a potential partnership.
And as someone still paying off debt, I know I won't need my partner to save me. Rather, I'm looking for someone to cheer me on and be my emotional confidant as I walk the path I've created independently — and maybe, with time, that path will merge with theirs.