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- Marilyn Chinitz is a divorce attorney who works with celebrities and billionaires.
- She's been married for 38 years and still goes on dates with her husband.
- She didn't pressure her kids to get prenups but thinks they're a good idea.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Marilyn Chinitz, a partner practicing matrimonial and family law with Blank Rome. It has been edited for length and clarity.
More than 40 years ago I was working in corporate law when one of the partners asked me to quietly help him with his divorce.
In the 1980s, you still needed grounds for divorce, and hearing about the details of a marriage breakdown felt sexy and salacious. Divorce proceedings were also intellectually challenging because they involved tax law, business valuations, and more.
Soon, I left the corporate world to found my own marital law practice. I've helped celebrities like Tom Cruise, Michael Douglas, and Wendy Williams get divorced and worked with billionaires whose divorces were in the headlines.
My personal life seems like an oxymoron: I've been happily married to my husband, Piero, for 38 years. We have two kids and two grandkids. From building a life with Piero to helping clients divorce, I've seen marriage at its best and worst. Here's what I've learned along the way.
Marriage needs a strong foundation, but you don't have to talk about it
A rock-solid foundation built on shared values is critical for a marriage to succeed. When I met Piero, we had many differences. He was born in another country, and we had different religions. Despite that, we were both passionate about education. We were hardworking and willing to work hard in our relationship.
We never talked about this foundation or asked about each other's values. If you talk, someone can tell you what you want to hear. You really get to know someone's values by observing them.
We still go on dates 40 years later
I still act like I'm dating Piero. We go on adventures to museums and art galleries. We'll drive two hours together just to try a new restaurant, and we've taken impulsive long weekend trips to London and Stockholm.
Marriage takes a lot of effort. When people stop trying, that's when they end up in my office. If you just stopped trying at work, you would get fired. If you stop trying in your marriage, you'll find yourself in an unpleasant, difficult relationship.
Prenups can be useful, but I didn't push my kids to get one
I'm a big believer in prenuptial agreements. Not only can they protect assets, but they ensure that both people know the other's financial reality before they tie the knot.
Recently, a client came to me asking for a prenup. She wanted to protect the assets she'd earned before the marriage and ensure those went to her daughters. We started the process, but her fiancé refused to give a statement of his net worth.
That was a big red flag for me. I told my client that she wouldn't truly know his liabilities and debts unless he were willing to disclose his finances. That's no foundation for a marriage. Ultimately, she decided not to marry him, and I think that was the right choice.
Still, I didn't push my daughter to get a prenup when she got married. Asking for one is emotional, and I had to trust her to make the right choice for her marriage.
Postnups are an important tool, too
Sometimes, it's easier to discuss a postnuptial agreement than a prenup. You might not think of a prenup if you have no money when you get married. If you acquire wealth through an inheritance, it can be easier to tell your partner, "I'd like to protect that money for the kids since neither of us earned it." That doesn't feel offensive.
A postnup can even provide some consolation if your marriage is on the rocks. If you're still able to work together to define what everyone gets if the marriage should fail, there's comfort for both spouses.
More people should be using trusts
Trusts are an underutilized estate planning tool that shouldn't just be used by millionaires or billionaires. Say you create a trust for your children. The money in that trust and any funds that it generates aren't considered a marital asset. If you get divorced, that money isn't part of the settlement since it's an entirely separate legal entity. This can be a great tool, especially if you're entering a marriage when you already have children.
As an attorney, I've had to be hardworking, committed, and willing to fight for what's important. Those same qualities have spilled over into my marriage and helped me create a lasting partnership.