Beth Berger
- Joanna Dahlseid, 40, has been with her partner for 6 years.
- She and her partner live in Montana in separate homes.
- Living apart together has remained the best option for Dahlseid as a single mom.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Joanna Dahlseid. It has been edited for length and clarity.
My partner and I have been together for six years and live apart. We both own our own homes, about eight minutes away from each other. Our living apart together, or LAT, dynamic has allowed me to center my kids and myself in my relationship.
I first met my partner in 2017 when we both worked for a tech company. We were friends before we started dating, and we would take a break from work by going on daily walks together. I had been divorced for three years, and during our walks, I would ping ideas off of him as I explored what I wanted relationships to look like for me post-divorce. I would say, "I think for me, I'm just looking for a relationship where my toothbrush stays at my house, and their toothbrush stays at their house."
After venting on all of my ideas and learning that he also likes to have his own space, we realized we could make a romantic connection between us work.
After a year of friendship and exploring what we wanted our next romantic connection to be, we started dating.
I was still prioritizing myself, even when we started dating
Our relationship started off pretty casual. We would see each other about six times a month. I was living what I call my "Money before men era." Money was No. 1, and men did not come ahead of my bank account. I let him know where he fit in my life, and he was not resistant.
In my previous marriage, I was a "Trad wife." I wanted to stay home with my kids, but I had never thought, down the road of our 11-year marriage, that things wouldn't work out. When we divorced, I had no income and had never made money.
When I met my partner three years after my divorce, I was just starting to hit my stride. I wanted to ensure I had personal autonomy and financial empowerment so that I could make decisions about my relationships that were truly in my best interest and not because I was depending on someone.
I was on a journey I was very committed to, and I told my partner, "If you want to be in my boat, this is where I'm going." He was a cheerleader every step of the way.
Our relationship started off private
We also kept our relationship private at first. I had friends who said our relationship was weird because no one knew about it except them; my family didn't even know. I told them it might be weird to you, but compartmentalizing our relationship allowed me to find myself and make sure I wasn't losing myself in it, which was a big fear of mine post-divorce.
About two years into our relationship, we were hiking one day on a trail, and we walked by his boss. After that, we decided to own it and became more of a public couple.
His brother was getting married shortly after we went public, and a week or two before his brother's wedding, I said, "Well, I guess I'll just go to the wedding with you, and we'll just see how it goes." Everyone was very friendly and welcoming. The wedding was my first intro to his family with this bigger event.
Living apart together worked well for me and my kids
About four months after we went public, my kids said that it was weird that I had a picture of my partner on my wall and that they'd never met him. When they told me they were ready for it, I went super slow with the introduction, and it was very casual.
He would come over once or twice a week for dinner. Sometimes, the kids would be doing homework or sports, and then they'd come in to sit down and chat. We went ax throwing once, but bonding activities weren't the norm. It was like this person is here, he loves me and likes being here, but there wasn't a requirement for family time. They didn't meet him until five years post-divorce.
Ensuring our home was a safe space for my kids was a main driver of me pursuingt a LAT, relationship. I realized I could have a meaningful relationship, full of depth, with someone who loves me while also centering my kids. LAT also allowed me to explore what it looks like to be a strong woman who gets what she wants financially, relationally, and through motherhood.
My partner and I may live together one day, but nothing is solidified. Two of my kids are 19 and 20 now, but my youngest is only 14. We've got another four years before he's out of high school, and it will probably take some time before they all fully leave the nest. Aside from wanting to wait until all my kids are out of the house, it also has to be the right thing for us. As someone who helps people navigate divorces, one thing I'm not interested in is moving into a man's home that's not equally mine. If we did move in together, it would have to be a shared space. We'd also have to figure out if we keep each of our houses, and does it even make sense economically for us to buy another piece of land in Missoula. We're not in a rush.
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