Courtesy of Bri Conn
- Bri Conn and her partner got married this year and have decided not to have children.
- She made the decision after joining Facebook groups, asking parents, and assessing her lifestyle.
- She's happy with her decision and will focus instead on her career, saving money, and her partner.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Bri Conn, a 26-year-old who has decided not to have kids. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I grew up in South Dakota, and my community preached that faith and family were the top two priorities. I had never met anyone who bluntly said they didn't want to have kids. However, my mom thought differently than the people in my small town.
She taught me there's more to life than getting married and having kids. She said those things are great if you want them, which she did, but they aren't everyone's goals. Because of her, I've always been inspired to live my life and chase what I wanted — not what anyone else wanted for me.
As more people from my high school started getting married and having kids in their early 20s, I was focused on getting my bachelor's degree and landing a job. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married or have kids. Even though a lot of people in my life would ask me when I was going to tie the knot or have a baby, I never felt pressured. I owe that to my mom.
I did get married this year, but my partner and I are both Gen Zers who have decided not to have kids.
There's a certain life I'd want to give my kids, and I wouldn't be able to make that happen
When I thought about having kids, I realized I'd want them to have two parents who are consistently around. My partner is an airline pilot who travels 75% of the year, and I work 40 hours a week.
I'm the type of person who puts 100% of myself into my work. When I started my career in marketing when I was 20, I realized that if I did have kids, I wouldn't be able to balance both well.
My partner is away every week. With our schedules, we'd have to hire a nanny or send our child to day care. That works for some people, but it's not what I'd want for my child. I also don't want to stop working to be the primary caretaker.
I pivoted careers, and I'm now taking classes to become a certified financial planner and working full time at Childfree Wealth. I like that I get to pack up and go on trips with my partner whenever I want. It's a freedom that we both really enjoy.
Being child-free was a joint decision
When my partner and I met six years ago, we agreed that having kids wasn't something we absolutely needed to do. We decided if we wanted kids, we'd wait until we were in our 30s, established in our careers, and on good financial footing.
But once my partner became an airline pilot, we realized being parents would be a tough lifestyle. With her being away so often, the child might feel less connected to her. Of course, many pilots have kids, but it's not the lifestyle we want.
We naturally progressed from maybe wanting them down the road to being firm with our decision to be child-free.
Finances didn't play a major role in our decision
I know how expensive it can be to have a family, but that wasn't a major reason my partner and I decided against it. We're intentional about using the money we make to set ourselves up for our future. We're paying off student loans and saving for a house.
If I had a kid, I'd want to do more than just provide for them — I'd want them to have a privileged life. I'd want to purchase their first car, pay for the cost of education, help with a wedding if they chose to get married, and overall give them a solid financial foundation to make the rest of their life a bit easier.
While the cost of having children wasn't the deciding factor, it was something we considered.
Gen Zers are approaching family planning differently
Many members of Gen Z struggle with student-loan debt and find it hard to land a job that pays enough to support their lifestyle. When you're not sure that you can fully provide for yourself, it makes it hard to want to have kids.
I've heard Gen Zers say they don't want to bring a child into the world because of the climate crisis. I have other friends who worry about the growing political divide in our country and would rather not subject children to that. Others don't want to pass on mental health issues they struggle with or worry that because of their mental health, they may not be able to parent in the way they'd want.
These are all valid reasons and also played a part in my decision-making. And with the growing number of anti-LGBTQ+ laws in the country, I worry our children wouldn't be safe.
I'm comfortable with my decision and the path I've chosen in life
Before we officially decided, I asked a few friends who were parents about their experiences and found their answers helpful. All of them love their children immensely, but some of their comments, especially about the lack of sleep, helped inform my decision.
I also tapped into online communities, like Facebook groups for people who regret having children. One tip I really took to heart was that when you decide to have kids, if it's not a hell yes from both you and your partner, it's a hell no. Once the decision to bring a child into this world is made, you can't go back on it.
At first, it was hard to admit that I didn't want to have kids. I knew people would ask me if I'd regret making this choice. Over the years, I've become more comfortable and happy with my decision. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.