Jonathan Batdont; BI
- As a parent with a demanding job, neurosurgeon Betsy Grunch is sometimes saddled with mom guilt.
- Missing out on family plans because of work has made her feel like she's let her kids down.
- Grunch has had to take steps to prioritize time at home, including hiring more help at work.
This as-told-to essay is based on a transcribed conversation with Dr. Betsy Grunch, a neurosurgeon from Georgia, about how she balances her job with being a parent. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
As a neurosurgeon, I work an average of 50 to 60 hours a week. I'm also a mom of two: my son is 9, and my daughter is 6.
I consider myself a kind, loving, and supportive mom. I'm very hands-on with my kids, but due to the nature and hours of my job, I sometimes miss out on certain events in their lives, like baseball games, which can make me feel like I've let them down.
Earlier in my career, I would worry that taking time off would affect my income, so I'd work more than I needed to. I wasn't home as much when my kids were little, and I wasn't as good at balancing my responsibilities.
Over the years, I've learned to prioritize my work-life balance and have made specific changes at home and work, accepting that I can't do everything all at once.
My husband and I decided I'd work, and he'd stay home
I met my husband Ray when I was a neurosurgical resident. We got married in my fifth year and moved from North Carolina to Georgia after I completed my residency to start my practice. Our first child was born in 2015.
Even before I got pregnant, my husband wasn't working that much and did a lot of the chores at home, so we knew he'd mostly be the one to stay home with the kids. We agreed on this arrangement and decided to hire a nanny while the kids were little. We wouldn't be doing things the traditional way, with the woman staying at home.
Ray and I are a team. He does most of the chores except washing dishes and folding laundry, which I take on. We hire people to help with yard work and a cleaner who comes twice a month, but Ray does other household jobs like paying bills and handyman and car stuff.
We split childcare responsibilities. I try to get up at 6 a.m. and work out for 30 to 45 minutes. I get the kids up at 7 a.m. and take them to school so I can be at the hospital at 7:30 a.m.
Ray picks them up and makes sure they do their homework. He usually takes them to any after-school activities. I try to be home by 5 or 6 p.m., and Ray and I share dinner-making responsibilities and putting the kids to bed.
In the evening, we both have some time to ourselves. I usually use this time to reply to emails, do chores, and work on content, as I'm also a content creator.
Ray does occasional work as a private investigator, and when he isn't around, we'll have a nanny or my cousin look after the kids.
I work one out of every five weekends. We try to spend quality time with our kids and go on family vacations at least a couple of times a year.
Missing out on time with my kids has made me feel guilty
Neurosurgery is a male-dominated field. I've had colleagues, teachers, and classmates question my ambition and ability to juggle a family and this job.
Trying to balance work with life can be challenging, and moms often let themselves feel guilty: If we spend too much time at home, we have work guilt, and if we spend too much time at work, we have mom guilt.
My job is very rewarding, but it's also stressful and physically and mentally demanding. I have very ill patients and sometimes have to make high-level decisions. Cases can take 30 minutes or eight hours to manage, and I'm not often sure when I'll be done for the day. It could be 4:30 p.m. or midnight.
I try to get home for around 6 p.m., but it's never predictable. If I know there's no way I'll be home for dinner, I'll text Ray to let him know so he can plan to spend the evening with the kids as he desires.
When I'm on call for my job, I'm not required to be at the hospital, but I have to be prepared to respond and go there if need be. In that case, Ray would usually be around to look after the kids.
I'll receive calls at home and have to open up scans on my computer to make important decisions about a case. I sometimes have to ask my kids to give me five minutes while I put them to bed.
Usually, they're understanding. They know mommy takes care of people. But sometimes they get jealous that I'm paying attention to my computer instead of them.
Until around two years ago, I consistently got home at 7 or 8 p.m., and my kids would be asleep by then. When I didn't get to see my kids for days on end, I'd feel sad and like I'd disappointed them.
I've made specific changes to alleviate some of my responsibilities
I've realized that I want to dedicate time to myself and my family. I wanted to watch my kids grow up. At work, for the most part, you're replaceable, but at home, you are not.
Over the past two years, I've learned how to balance my responsibilities much better by getting more help at work and at home.
Since 2022, I've hired two additional physician assistants at the clinic. They can see patients, write notes, and refill prescriptions for me. I also hired a social media manager who helps me with my content creation tasks. We don't rely on a nanny much, but we do use her when we go out of town without the kids or go out for dinner together. During the summer, she'll watch them a few times a week to give Ray a break to do other things around the house.
It can be hard to ask for help, but once you do, it's mentally liberating. Outsourcing certain responsibilities has been life-changing and helpful. I can spend a lot more time with my kids now.
I've learned to prioritize mental health more over the years. This year, I've started taking every fifth Monday off as a personal day to have time for self-care activities like getting a massage or having my hair done.
I'm learning to accept that I can't do it all — and I want to continue to strive for growth and balance.