Courtesy of Elizabeth Doerr
- My husband and I have made close friends with other parents of only children.
- We've formed a sort of co-parenting relationship and help each other with carpooling and playdates.
- As our children grow, I'm looking forward to the evolution of these relationships.
On an impromptu trip to the beach with my son, Finch, and another mother-and-son duo, I found myself sitting alone at the beach house's kitchen table. Liz Labby, the other mom, had taken our two 7-year-olds to the fishing supply store to acquire some crabbing gear, allowing me to work without being bothered. This promise to occupy the kids for a couple of hours allowed me and Finch to join them at the beach.
And later, I'd make sure the kids didn't crack their skulls open on the jetty rocks while Liz figured out how to use the crabbing gear. I realized in the suddenly quiet moment that we had landed on a kind of co-parenting rhythm between our families and our two only children. This wasn't just on vacation.
We'd become each others' go-tos for informal and often last-minute childcare swapping. And it was beautiful. This kind of connection and community with another family is what I dreamt of when we decided to have an only child.
There's a solidarity among parents of only children
It took me a while to feel secure in our decision to have one kid. During my son's baby and toddler years, I still felt the social pressure of having one more child, even when the idea of starting all over with a brand-new baby gave me anxiety. I also worried that Finch would be lonely growing up without siblings. But times were changing, and I felt solace seeing many more only children than when I was growing up.
This rise in only-child families isn't just perception. Data from the Pew Research Center shows the percentage of mothers ending their childbearing years with one child increased from 11% in 1976 to 19% in 2015. Some people chose the only-child route, and many found themselves with one child after a long fertility journey that came with a lot of loss.
With the rise in only-child families, the stereotype of only children being "weird" or "selfish" has started to fade. And I started dreaming of forming a connected family unit with other only-child families — affectionately called "one and done" (or "OAD") families within online only-child communities.
Courtesy of Elizabeth Doerr
I love the community we've formed
Liz and her partner Joe both grew up as only children. "We decided that when we had an only child, we wanted to connect with other families who understand that kids need to grow up around kids, even when they don't have siblings," she said.
Our families have developed close friendships with families with multiple kids. Still, there's a sense of solidarity between only-child families and knowing that we're supporting our kids' socialization by developing these kinds of close friendships with the entire family unit.
Like with anything when developing friendships, that solidarity can start off as practical — arranging playdates to make connections that soon turned into a way to relieve us from some of the pressure. Another parent in our only-child family network, Erin Ferro, articulated those practical benefits.
When her son Luca starts to drive her mad with the need for attention, she'll text us or some other families to send their kid over to help relieve the pressure. "Luca can play independently, but he's kind of less willing to do so when it's just us," Erin said. "When another kid is in the mix, it totally changes the dynamic for the better. Being parents of only children, we can lean on each other when your kid just needs a playmate."
And when the caregiver-to-child ratio is lower, it's easier to take on a semblance of co-parenting. Of course, I define co-parenting pretty loosely here. Co-parenting with a current or ex-partner suggests the need for equal levels of labor. I don't expect our friends to meet my kid's daily needs. But when you find yourself, say, on vacation with another family, there's an ease of kid management that resembles the shared caregiving involved in co-parenting.
This type of co-parenting manifests itself in coordinating around camps during the summer for carpooling ease and being aligned on things like screen time and video game rules so we can implement them the same way between our homes. The fellowship I feel with other only-child parents has led to strong friendships that developed partly because it's a bit easier to coordinate when there are only two children involved, but also because we "get" each others' circumstances.
While Finch has a number of friends with either older or younger siblings, playdates with only children tend to be a bit more drama-free. After playdates with buds who have siblings, I often hear gripes about the sibling. Dealing with others' siblings is, for sure, an important skill. But when ease is what I'm looking for, I'll often seek out an only-child family. The frequency of interaction with these families has led to deep friendships between the adults and the kids.
With our kids being quite young still, I'm excited to see the evolution of this only-child community we're building. This is perhaps the chosen family I dreamt of all those days when I worried I was making a mistake by just having one kid.