Courtesy of Seth Ernic
- I realized many of my friends and acquaintances left me feeling drained; I cut them out of my life.
- I stopped asking them to hang out and told them I was busy in an attempt to ghost them.
- I don't regret my decision because now I can focus on my real friendships.
I have that one friend who I see once a year to "catch up." I also have that one acquaintance who loves to talk for 30 minutes straight without asking a single question or letting me say a word. She loves to trauma-dump everything that's going wrong in her life.
I tried asking myself what the purpose of these friendships was. I struggled to find an answer. I also realized I didn't have the mental capacity to be a therapist to someone who didn't have conversational skills. They left me feeling drained.
On the other hand, one of my best friends lives in another country and makes it a point to send voice notes every other day, telling me about her adventures and listening to mine. Another close friend of mine makes it a point that we see each other every week for dinner or a picnic. Sometimes, we go to the movies or do something creative, like a painting class.
It's not that hard to put effort into friendships, and it annoyed me that some people in my life just didn't try.
From there, I noticed a new trend taking off on TikTok: quiet quitting friendships to protect your emotional energy and well-being. I decided to give it a go.
I ended up ghosting most of my acquaintances.
I didn't like spending time with many people in my life
There were many people I was friends with out of convenience or survival.
Did I really like spending time with that friend who is materialistic and shallow, or did I just want someone to come with me to check out that new Italian restaurant that everyone's talking about? Do I really share similar values with my friend from high school, or did I just tolerate her all these years because everyone else in my math class was mean and unapproachable, so I befriended her to keep me company?
Additionally, when it came to catching up with certain friends and acquaintances, the only reason I was seeing them was because I took the initiative to reach out and suggest something.
Did they invite me to that SoHo House rooftop party they went to? No. Did they ask me if I was free for that concert or music festival they went to over the weekend? No.
They weren't reaching out to spend quality time with me.
I felt like I had no other choice but to ghost these people
Whenever I tried bringing up these issues, my friends would get extremely defensive, and it would turn into a big argument.
Eventually, I realized I had no interest in creating unnecessary drama and giving people unsolicited advice on how to be a good friend.
So, when I stopped reaching out to certain friends, these people simply faded away. In other cases, when someone did reach out to me, I pretended I was busy or traveling. They eventually got the hint.
But in the rare cases when someone noticed what I was doing, I addressed the issues I had with that relationship head-on.
I now have the energy to invest in relationships that matter
Now, I have more room for hobbies, goals, and new friends who understand friendship is a two-way street. They also know how to make an effort.
The people I now invest my time and energy in know how to hold space for me when I am stressed. They know how to validate me and my experiences without bringing up their own trauma. They know how to self-soothe and don't expect me to be their unpaid therapist — feeling entitled to my time and energy.
I wish more people understood how friendships work.
"It's sad, but sometimes, when you grow, you outgrow relationships," Taylor Swift told Elle in 2019. "You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you'll always keep the memories."
That sentiment helped me to let go and feel less guilty about quiet quitting or ghosting — whatever you want to call it. I have outgrown these friendships because my standards have gotten higher. I make no apologies for it.