Courtesy of Marla Bautista
- Marla Bautista became a military spouse in 2007 and has lived all over the world with her family.
- Her three children were born in three different places, and she says moving them has been difficult.
- While there are benefits, she has struggled with her identity and hopes to have her own career.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Marla Bautista, a 40-year-old military spouse in Tampa, Florida. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
When I was 24, I worked at a hotel in Denver near an Army base. I met a soldier staying at the hotel in September 2007.
He had to go back to Chicago soon after we met, and it felt like we could only stay together if we got married, so we did. I moved back with him in October.
I didn’t know anything about the military. None of my immediate family or friends had been service members, so becoming a military spouse was all new.
17 years later, I’ve lived all over the world and have had three children, each in a different location. There are benefits to this life, but there are also many challenges.
I took on the role of long-distance wife and solo parent
Before we hit one year of marriage, my husband was deployed to Iraq for a year. We communicated mostly through email and letters.
This wasn’t my idea of a happy marriage, and I was lonely. Knowing he’d come home one day kept me hopeful. Even after doing this for all these years, his deployments haven’t gotten any easier.
When my husband returned from Iraq, I was three months pregnant with my first child (I got pregnant when he was on R&R). I had the support of other military spouses who had experienced pregnancy alone.
Moving internationally with children is tough
When my son turned one, we moved to Germany. I had my second child there before we moved back to Colorado.
I got pregnant again, and my husband received military orders to leave soon after. I had my third child alone while my husband watched on Skype. Our family of five now lives in Tampa.
Moving so much has been an immense challenge for my children. My oldest is 13 and has been enrolled in nine different schools. Watching my kids be separated from their friends time and time again breaks my heart.
The biggest benefit of being a military spouse is the opportunity to travel
Before meeting my husband, I had only been to four states. Now, I’ve seen the world.
I’ve breastfed in seven countries and traveled and lived in places like Hawaii, Germany, the Netherlands, and France. The ultimate benefit of this life is seeing and learning about other cultures.
I had to give up the prospect of a career for this lifestyle
Many military spouses give up their careers to become homemakers. Working full-time while our partners are deployed is nearly impossible, and childcare is expensive, so we stay home.
It’s common to hear military spouses say their career starts once their spouse's career ends. I tell my husband that when he retires, he can be the stay-at-home parent because I want to go out into the world and have my own career.
I’ve always wanted to be a writer, so I’ve gotten a bachelor's degree in communications, picked up freelance writing opportunities, and volunteered at a local radio station to get experience in my field.
We’ve lived both on and off base
I like the sense of security of living on a military base. It’s gated, and everyone who comes in is monitored.
Bases have everything: a grocery store, movie theater, bowling alley, hotel, post office, church, library, schools, and more. There are even gas stations and tattoo parlors.
Plus, groceries are around 20% cheaper than outside the military gates, and we don’t pay store taxes. But you do have to live by federal laws, regardless of what state you’re in.
Our current home is my family’s first time living off base. We had to find a house that fit our budget, which was tough because we're given a basic housing allowance calculated on the cost of living in that city. It's not always enough.
We decided to buy a home in Tampa. Our stipend is $2,500 a month, and our housing costs total around $2,700 a month.
It’s a misconception that military families are rich
I’ve heard acquaintances say that military families have a lot of money, but many are one-income households struggling with food or financial security.
My husband’s salary sometimes isn’t enough for us to afford groceries for our family of five. We’ve visited food pantries and budgeted other grocery items to suffice until the next payday.
While the government does pay for our moves, there are still out-of-pocket expenses, like shipping our second vehicle, replacing broken furniture after the move, and living out of hotel rooms for extended periods, which can cost thousands each time.
It can be hard not to lose your own identity
My advice for other military spouses is to support yourself, too. I wish I had followed this advice years ago. I’ve spent over a decade raising kids and living much of my life as a solo parent. It’s caused me to lose my connection to who I am.
Therapy has helped me stay grounded. For so many years, I struggled through life on autopilot and realized at every stop that another piece of me — the authentic, fun, loving, and charismatic me — was missing. Seeking out a civilian therapist helped me remember who I was, and that helped me find my path to reclaiming all I had lost.
Military life has tested our family in every way possible. This life has made my family resilient, but it hasn’t left us unscathed.