Courtesy of Alana Sheeren
- My high-achieving high school senior had been avoiding her college applications.
- Badgering her to get started only hurt our normally strong relationship.
- I learned she was just overwhelmed with schoolwork and the prospect of college.
My high school senior is typically a happy, easygoing kid who set her sights on graduating in the top 50 of her class before her first day of freshman year. We never pushed her on grades and are mostly hands-off when it comes to academics because she's driven and responsible. So, I was surprised when she was dragging her feet with college applications.
I knew we needed to get started over the summer to avoid the stress of meeting deadlines at the last minute. We talked about it and talked about it, but she kept putting it off. As August turned to September, I was constantly on her case to get started, and our normally close mother-daughter relationship began to suffer.
I could see her cringe whenever I brought up the subject, but I couldn't stop myself. I hated being the nagging parent; I didn't know what else to do.
My daughter was simply overwhelmed
Her lack of action kept me awake at night, and my overbearing attitude caused her to withdraw. We were at a stalemate, and time was ticking, so I called a family meeting.
Her dad and I asked if she still wanted to attend a four-year university. Many high school graduates in our small city go to the local college for two years, then transfer to a University of California or California State school. It's an affordable route that would relieve the pressure, but she said no; she wanted a four-year college experience.
We asked her what she thought her resistance was related to and how we could support her without being overbearing.
Part of the problem was she'd taken on so much in her junior year that she was burned out by the time summer rolled around. But instead of taking a break, she took two college classes, was her school's delegate for California Girls State, and traveled to see family. By the time her second college class was done, she was back at school with her student leadership class, preparing for the first day. She started her senior year depleted.
She also said applying to college felt overwhelming because it was so important, and my constant reminders didn't help. I knew I needed to back off, but she also needed support splitting the applications into manageable chunks.
We slowly tackled the problem
"The reality is that this is too big of a process for any child to do alone," Lisa McLaughlin, a college admissions strategist who founded The Admissions Formula, told me. "Most students do not have the exact executive functioning skills to be able to manage such a big project. And so you're walking this line of how much help is too much help."
With homework and a lead role in the school play, my daughter's weeknights were jam-packed, so we scheduled flexible but nonnegotiable time on weekends specifically for college work.
We also created a shared folder with separate documents for application deadlines, the questions each college asks, and other necessary to-dos. We added important dates to a shared calendar.
My goal was to talk about college only during those scheduled times unless a deadline needed to be met during the week. When I started to feel stressed about what still needed to get done, I focused on things that were my responsibility, like financial-aid documents. I also talked with a friend who had been through it recently or went for a walk to clear my head.
"We as parents have to get our own stuff in check because it's not fair to them that we're bringing our own 'ahhhh' into their lives," McLaughlin told me when I admitted to feeling anxious. "We have to create the safest possible space in our homes for our teens to be able to talk to us about pressure and stress and let them know that it's OK … we're going to get through this together."
My daughter has officially applied to college
It seemed the shifts we made worked. My daughter has submitted three college applications. There were no fights, no tears, and no nagging.
I realize she needed the space to figure it out on her own, with her dad and me as a safety net in case she stumbled.
Most of all, I wanted to preserve our relationship so she's not afraid to talk to us about the challenges she's facing now and, even more importantly, next year after she decides which college to attend and is out on her own.