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- I've learned that if I want to form a new habit, promising someone I will doesn't work for me.
- Instead, I use whole-body rituals and use art to look at things from another perspective.
- I also ask my late mother and sister for help, and I can feel their empathy.
When I was a teenager, I developed a habit of repeatedly promising my mother I would go on a diet. It started years of power struggles; on the one hand, I wanted to make her happy, but on the other, a deeper part of me knew that what I weighed was my business and not hers. Trying to both please her and be true to myself, I ended up in the no-win position of promising her I'd diet and then sabotaging it.
Years later, I came to the conclusion that one of the best ways for me to make a change was to actually not make a promise because, counterintuitively, I'm more likely to succeed when I don't.
Here are some other offbeat ways I've learned that help me start — or stop — habits.
I create whole-body rituals
A ritual is not just an intellectual exercise but an action or series of actions that harness the power of the senses to convey meaning symbolically. For example, in my late 20s, when I weighed myself multiple times a day, my therapist told me to get rid of my scales. I didn't just dump them in the trash can.
Instead, I hurled them repeatedly against the brick patio, listening to the sound of them banging against the bricks and then mangling them into shards. Later I bought a potted plant to fill the space in the bathroom where the scales had been.
A few years later, to stop smoking, I created a candlelit ceremony to enjoy my last cigarette. I put The Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin" on my tinny record player, turned off the lights, and sat in the dark, gazing at the slim cylindrical tip of my Marlboro until its last glowing ash faded. I admired how the cigarette looked laced between my fingers, watching the smoke circles drift dreamily into the air. I realized that while smoking had served me, now it was time to move on. I was ready.
I had tried quitting smoking twice before by sheer willpower with no success, but this time, the sacrament that I created with music and darkness did the trick.
I use art to look at what I'm struggling with from another perspective
As with rituals, any activity involving the mind and body helps me get out of my head. When I'm struggling to change a habit or face a tough decision, I sometimes use art to depict my mental state. Once, for example, I was agonizing over what to wear for a speech I was giving.
Worn out by my habit of overthinking, I colored a row of dresses on a clothes rack with the message, "But what will she wear?" Underneath, I added, "If only she could wear her art pages!" After I finished coloring, I walked over to my closet, took a deep breath, and scanned my wardrobe. In less than five minutes, I knew what to wear. The playful act of coloring different dresses helped me relax and lighten up, a key ingredient for changing a habit.
I wrote using the third person "she," because I've found this to be a way to detach from anxiety. Research has shown using the third person also helps with decision-making.
I've used artwork in other situations, too, like a few months ago when I wanted to start doing yoga at home instead of just in a weekly class. Using watercolor, I painted a woman in a Warrior pose. I liked the image a lot, and it encouraged me to practice at home.
I ask my long-gone family members for help
Seeking support from my late mother and sister really helps. Not because they were models of success — quite the opposite, in fact. Both of them found it difficult to make changes, especially, like me, when it comes to eating. But the fact that they, too, struggled means that talking to them is sometimes exactly what I need.
When I ask them for help, I sense their empathy, which helps me feel less alone. And I know from hard-earned experience that a sense of isolation increases my sense of anxiety and almost guarantees I won't succeed.
I mimic other people's behavior
I am the fastest eater I know, and although it hasn't caused me any physical problems, I would like to be more mindful when I eat. One way I've learned to slow down is by copying other people. Once, at a retreat, I decided to consume my meal at the same speed as the other participants sitting at my table, even though to me, it all looked like they were eating at a mournfully glacial pace.
Only when the man next to me picked up his fork did I pick up my own. It was a huge challenge, but I forced myself to slow down. Ever since, I've been able to moderate my pace by watching the person I'm eating with — usually Barry, my husband, who tends to eat slower than I do. But not always! I feel victorious when I finish after him.
I've used imitation in other areas, too. In a writing class I took, for example, the instructor told us to copy word for word a paragraph from a favorite writer to try on their use of language. Then, we rewrote the paragraph using different words. Out of this experimentation, I gradually developed my own style.
I keep records and track my habits
Like Benjamin Franklin, one of my early models, I'm a huge fan of record-keeping. Studies show that record-keeping in and of itself brings about change. Over the years, tracking habits on a chart has helped me succeed in eating more greens and fresh fruit, running a marathon, making cold calls, saying hello to strangers, doing upper-body exercises, practicing Spanish, and increasing my writing output.
Writing a checkmark on a page when I've accomplished a goal gives me great satisfaction. And knowing that I'll see an ever-growing line of checkmarks at the end of the week motivates me even more.
Many people use computer software or apps to track their habits, but I'm old-fashioned and prefer the mind-body approach of handwriting.
Promises, willpower, self-control, five-year plans, and New Year's resolutions — none of these work for me. But engaging in rituals, mind-body activities, and getting help from others, even if it's only in my imagination, have helped me find the openness and creativity to overcome many undesirable habits.